the wrong kind of love #36

Chapter 36Mandy looked at Nicky and got up, “Well, I suppose I’d better get going then!” she sighed.“Mandz, why don’t you just stay here? This is your house too. Only until you find yourself somewhere else if you really want to get away from here! I just feel terrible that you have to move out, or that you feel you have to move out!” he sighed.Mandy shook her head, “I can’t Nix. I cannot live here and see you every day and not be able to…be…with you. It’s too hard. It’s too painful!” Nicky looked at her, “I really am sorry, you know? I really am. I wish things could be different. I wish I could just say, HA! Gotcha!”“Yeah, so do I. I would have to kill you of course, but its better than feeling like this!” she moaned with a weak smile.Mandy smiled softly and walked up to her, hugging her. He then pulled away and looked at her, “Do you think…Could we be friends?”Mandy thought about this and sighed, “I am still very bitter about all this Nicky. I don’t really know if friendship will work!” she sighed.Nicky frowned, “Yeah, of course. You’re bound to be feeling bitter. I cannot say I blame ya really. But in time the bitterness will go. Do you think we could be friends then?” he questioned, brushing her hair back.Mandy sighed and looked at him straight in the eye, closing her eyes as she felt his hands on her hair, “We’ll see Nicky!”Nicky put his hands on her arms as he slid them down her face, neck and shoulders, he looked her in the eye and saw Mandy’s eyes closing. He then gave her a peck on the lips, “I love you Mandz. I’ll never stop loving you!” he whispered.Mandy opened her eyes and just stared at him. They looked silently at each other for a few seconds before Mandy threw herself in his arms and started kissing him. Nicky reacted immediately. He frantically rubbed his hands all over her body, lifted her slightly from the floor and moved her around the room, finally pinning her against the wall. He started kissing her neck roughly as she moaned softly.“We could have this everyday, Nicky. Please say you have changed your mind!” she muttered, leaning her head to the side and rubbing her hands over his gelled hair.That brought Nicky back to his senses. He pulled away, putting Mandy down first, and ran his hands through his stiff hair, taking a few steps back, “What am I doing?” he gasped, “What the fuck am I doing? What is fucking wrong with me?” he now screamed, walking back to the living room. Mandy watched him with her mouth wide open and followed him with her eyes. She then closed her eyes and banged her head softly back against the wall, “Shit!” she cursed to herself.She then pushed herself of the wall and followed him in. She found him sitting on the sofa, covering his mouth, leaning slightly forwards and rocking back and forth.“Nicky!” she whispered, sitting next to him.“I am sorry Mandz. I really don’t know what came over me!” he sighed.“How can you say you are gay and then do that?” she asked calmly.Nicky got up and nervously paced around the room, “God I dunno. See what I mean about being confused? What the fuck am I Mandz? What the bloody hell is wrong with me?” he cried.Mandy just stared at him hovering around the room.“I mean, I know I fancy men. I do know that much! I am certain of it. Yet I see my opportunity to kiss you and take you and I took that chance. Am I gay or not?” he shouted exasperatedly, banging his hands to his sides.“Only you know that Nix!” she sighed, leaning back on the sofa.“I’m a freak, is what I am! The world’s biggest fucking freak!” he hissed.“You’re not a freak, Nicky. You’re just, as you said, confused. I suppose it’s only normal!” she sighed, trying to understand.Nicky just shook his head, “I don’t know what to do, Mandy. I just don’t know what to do. I hate myself for what I have done to you. I hate myself so much! I hate myself for not knowing who or what I am! I just really hate myself. I really do!” He threw himself down on the sofa, covered his face with his hands and started sobbing. Mandy sighed and edged closer to him and put her arm on his back. She then pulled him against her and hugged him soothingly.“Don’t cry Nix. Please!” she squeaked, feeling her own tears rolling down her cheeks.Nicky ignored her and continued sobbing, soaking her shirt.“I just wish someone could tell me what to do, coz I don’t have a fucking clue!” he continued sobbing, his voice muffled from his hands.“I know, but it is only normal to be confused. You know you love men, and you love Charlie!” she sighed. She closed her eyes, hurting from just saying that.“I know, but I love you too!” he whispered.“Yeah, but in a different way. Love has many different definitions, Nicky. And you love me like you would love your sister!” she explained.Nicky frowned and nodded.“Right, then. There’s your answer. You know who and what you are. You know how you feel!” she sniffed.Nicky looked at her and wiped her tears away with his thumb, “I am really going to miss you being around, you know?”Mandy smiled and weak smile, “I am gonna miss you too Nicky!”Nicky rubbed his hands along her cheek, “Are you going to be ok?” he whispered.Mandy nodded, “Are you?”He simply shrugged, “I’ll survive!”Mandy nodded “Ok then. I am going to go up and pack some of my stuff and then I’ll leave, ok?”Nicky frowned and nodded, “The offer is still there if you want to stay here!”Mandy shook her head, “Thanks but no. It would only make things worse and more confusing. And we’ll end up hating each other. It’s best this way!”“I understand!” sighed Nicky with a nod.Mandy nodded and then went upstairs to pack most of her belongings and to start her new life.