the wrong kind of love #35

Chapter 35Mandy took a very deep breath before she opened the door. She put the key in the lock and slowly opened it. She walked into the silent house and straight into the living room. Nicky straightened up on the sofa when he saw her. Mandy stared at him. “Mandy!” he gasped.“Morning!” she mumbled, huffing inside.Nicky got up and walked over to her, “I have been so worried about you!”Mandy shrugged his hands away, “Well, there was no need. I was very well looked after!” she snapped.Nicky sighed, “Mandy, please. We need to talk about this!”Mandy had avoided looking at him. She couldn’t! She felt really uncomfortable under his stare.“I know we do. That’s why I am here!” she sighed, taking a seat on the sofa.“Do you, erm…Do you want a drink or something?” he offered.Now is when she looked at him. His eyes were red and swollen from all the crying he had done. He had dark rings under his eyes from lack of sleep and his skin had a grey tinge to it.“I can get it myself you know? This is my house too…well…It was!” she sighed.“It still could be babe!” he muttered.Mandy stared at him, “Do you honestly think we could live together, after what I have found out about you? What kind of fantasy world do you live in?” she snapped.“Well, some couples manage it!” he shrugged.Mandy could not believe her ears. She could not believe he was actually being serious, “get serious Nicky! This is real life, not some soap opera on BBC1! I have just found out you’re gay and you have a lover. You think we can live together like one happy family? Like we were never married? What’s next, you’ll being your lover in here and expect me to get on with him, I suppose!”Nicky sighed and bowed his head down, “So what are you going to do?”“Well, the house is yours isn’t it? It is under your name and the company is renting it out to you, so that means I have to move out!” she shrugged.“And where will you go?” he asked.“Fuck knows!” she mumbled, “But for now I am staying at Brian’s until I find myself somewhere to live. Now that I am getting an income, I suppose it will be easier!”“I bet he is loving all this, isn’t he?” snarled Nicky.Mandy quickly looked at him, “What is THAT supposed to mean?” she asked defensively.“Ah come on Mandz. He has been wanting to split us up for a while now!” he argued.“Brian did not split us up. You did that all by yourself!” she snarled, “I should have listened to him when he told me. Like an idiot, I turned against him and stuck by you. God, what an arse I am!”“I really am sorry Mandz. I really am. I wish it could be another way. I wish I could take your pain away. I just wish…I wish there was something I could do, but I just cannot ignore my feelings and I cannot change. This is the way I am, it is not something I can help!” he moaned.“It’s not the fact that you are gay that upsets me, Nicky. Well, it does, but that’s not what angers me. It’s the fact that you didn’t tell me, and lied to me all those years. And that you cheated on me!” she sighed.“Yeah, but I couldn’t help the way I felt about him!” he whined.“Dammit Nicky. Did you hear what I said?” she hit the armrest of the sofa in frustration, “I don’t give a fuck about what side of the road you drive on. I don’t care whose team you bat for. You still cheated on me. You still had someone behind my back. It still fucking hurts!” she shouted with tears in her eyes.Nicky looked at her. He wanted to go over and hold her in his arms until she felt better. But he thought better of it. She would only push him away, “I know babe. I am so sorry. So sorry! I didn’t mean for it to happen that way!” he sobbed.“Then why did it?” she bawled.“Oh I dunno. It just happened. I tried to stop it, Mandz. Really, I did. But I couldn’t. Before I knew it…” he sighed and shook his head, wanting to spare her the details, “I felt so bad about it. So ashamed. I couldn’t face you. I couldn’t? Well, how could I, knowing what was going on?” he got up and paced around the room, wiping his tears.“So that’s why you were always at work!” she whispered, drying her eyes.Nicky wiped his eyes again and nodded, bowing his head down to the floor.“And was he there with you?” she squeaked.“Does it even matter?” he whispered.“It does to me!” she growled.Nicky sighed and nodded, “Sometimes!”Mandy sighed and put her head on her hands. They stayed silent for a while. She heard the phone beeping, indicating there was a message. She opened it and read it.How is it going? Luv B xxxMandy closed the message and looked at Nicky as she fidgeted with her phone. He was now sat down with his head on his hands..“Why didn’t you just tell me in the first place, Nicky? I mean, before you started this affair with Charlie?” she sighed, slightly calmer.Nicky was about to answer, when he phone started ringing. Mandy looked at it and rejected the call. She looked back at Nicky and raised her eyebrows. He opened his mouth to talk again when the phone started ringing again. Mandy looked at it and saw Brian’s name displayed on the screen. She sighed angrily and answered it, “Dammit, I cannot fucking talk right now, ok? Get the fucking hint!” she screamed at it.Nicky stared at her in shock. Never in the 4 years they had been married, had he witnessed one of her moods like that.“I am sorry love. I was just worried about you!” answered Brian, slightly taken aback by her snapping.“I am fine. Now see you later!” she sighed and hung up. She looked at Nicky again.“Well?” she questioned.“How could I tell you, Mandy. how? It’s not exactly an easy thing to admit to. I just kept telling myself I would, but I kept putting it back and putting it back, and the more I waited, the harder it got to tell you!” he sighed.Mandy sighed, “How long have you known you were gay?”Nicky sighed and got up, pacing around the room nervously, “When I was 16…”“THAT LONG???” she shrieked loudly, getting up in shock.Nicky looked at her and sighed, “Let me finish!”Mandy nodded and sat back down.“When I had just finished my GCSE’s, I used to have all these feelings about the boys in my class. At first I just thought I looked up to them. I just thought that I admired them. But over time, I realised that what I felt was much more than admiration. I found myself wishing that the guys would feel the same way for me as I did for them. But again, I thought it was just puberty. That it was just part of growing up. I read magazines and stuff and apparently all teenagers go through that phase, when they question their sexuality. I just thought it was a passing phase. But I was scared when I wouldn’t get over that phase. I was so scared than I could be gay. I guess I just forced myself into liking girls, just so I could be like all my friends. But I knew. I knew that what I was feeling for my friends was a lot more than admiration, and Oh God Mandz, that just terrified the shite out of me. But I had to fight those feelings. I would be teased, bullied, rejected and that thought alone really shit me up. So I just started dating all these girls, just to prove to myself that I could fancy them. And at one point it worked. I really thought I did fancy them. I was so relieved, Mandz. So relieved. I seriously thought I had changed!” he explained.Mandy stood staring at him with her mouth wide open, “And what changed?” she whispered.Nicky sighed and sat down, “While I was dating this girl, I realised that I used to fantasize more about his brother than about her. I had to break up with her!” he mumbled.“So what happened with me? If you knew then, why the fuck did you marry me?” she asked, raising her voice.“I went through phases Mandy. one moment I was certain I preferred men and other times I was positive I fancied girls. I suppose for a while I was bisexual. But I heard that we all go through all that at the beginning, because we are all confused, and coz we are trying to prove to ourselves that we are 100% straight.” He sighed, running his hands through his hair.Mandy stared at him, bowed her head down and shook it slightly.“When I met you, Mandz, I was genuinely attracted to you. I thought you were the most beautiful girl I had ever clapped my eyes on. And you still are. I thought you had changed me, that you had made me see the light and convinced me that I was straight. You took my breath away. I fancied you so much. And not for one or two days. But then…” he looked away and swallowed hard.Mandy looked at him with tears in her eyes, “Then what?” she sniffed, as a tear rolled down her cheek.Nicky wiped his eyes, got up and sat beside her. He grabbed her hand and rubbed his thumb softly across her palm. With his other hand, he lifted it up to her face and wiped away her tears, “Than I started getting my old feelings back!” he whispered.“Was that before or after we got married?” she asked, with a shaky voice.“Before!” he admitted shamefully.Mandy thought she heard wrong. She looked at him as he stared at her in shame.“Fucking hell Nicky, Why the fuck did you marry me then?” she shrieked as she quickly stood up.“Coz I needed to prove to myself that I was wrong. That was straight and that was the only way I could do that!” he cried.“So all through our married life, you knew you were gay?” she yelled.Nicky shook his head, “Not all of it, no. The first 3 years were just confusing. I still fancied you like crazy. Still wanted you. Still got those feelings that made me just want to grab you and make love to you, all day. Just like we always did. But I also started thinking about men in that way too. God I dunno. It’s all so confusing!” he whined, looking up at the ceiling. Mandy stared at him and frowned.“It’s only been the past few months that I knew for sure that I was fighting a losing battle. I have finally accepted who I am, Mandz. I have accepted I am gay and slowly I am starting to feel proud of who I am!” he continued.“I still don’t understand why you never told me!” she cried, “Could have saved me from so much pain!” “Everyone thinks you just fancy a member of the same sex when you are gay, Mandy. But that’s not true. I still fancied girls. I see a good looking girl and I can still fancy her. And that’s what made it all so confusing. Coz it makes me think, well, if I am gay, I wouldn’t fancy a girl. I know my attraction for men is a lot stronger, but I had to make sure. I had to make sure I was 100% positive that I was gay. I didn’t want to just come out with it and hurt you for nothing if I wasn’t gay in the end.” He explained.Mandy sat down, “And now you are positive that you are gay!” she checked.Nicky sighed and nodded.“And there is no way you’re going to change your mind about that!” she asked.“I’m sorry babe. I am 100% sure. This is who I am now!” he answered.